In 2011, when I had just stepped into the fringes of teenage life, this sudden brainwave hit me. I wanted to write a book. I wanted to write a book about vampires and then get famous for it and then have people interview me and then wear these fancy knee length dresses and dine with the ‘who and whos’ of the Hollywood movie industry. My plans were big and they were extremely far-fetched but I still held on to all of them without letting my mind think otherwise. By the way if you’re wondering why I chose vampires, in my defense, Twilight was a pretty huge thing back then. I was just like every other hormone ridden teenager and slobbered over the books.
So, I did what I wanted to do then. What would a 8th grade girl want to do, anyway? She had all the time in the world. So, I went at it full speed. I was so caught up in the whole idea of the book that whenever you saw me, I’d be lost in my own thoughts. Thinking about ideas for the plots, the lines for them, memorizing each place that I had mentioned. I was what you would call screw loose. And I seemed to care lesser and lesser about what people thought as the whole book tore me away from reality.
The first 100 pages went great but then I started realizing, I was re-writing Twilight again just with stupider dialogues. I didn’t want to stop though. 100 pages wasn’t an easy task. I got back to the start and began editing out bits and pieces. And gradually as I got well into my final school year, the 10th grade, I had come up with something that was pretty much my own and I was fast pacing toward 200 pages. I’d write when I couldn’t type and type when I couldn’t write.
I was the crazy kid at home. And no one seemed to mind it because they thought it was only a phase. But little did they know, I was very very very very serious about what I was doing. I wanted my book published. I was all set on it and made up my mind I was going to Hollywood. Until one day, a part of my soul was lost. I exaggerated that a little but it almost felt like it had.
The system I was working on was reset to factory setting when I was in school and all the work that I had put in for 2 long years, was gone. I didn’t have a draft nor did I have any lose bits of my story. My father had warned me about this happening because the laptop had been acting up. But I took no heed and decided to continue anyway. My father tried persuading me to transfer the story to my email which I did, only parts of it which I wanted to work on. He was more bothered about the story staying than I was. But those weren’t enough to start from the ground up. All I wanted to do was get the book done and find a good way to end it. But before I could, I was left with nothing.
I’ve felt grief before in a much higher magnitude but this was something I couldn’t comprehend and come to terms with. I felt like I should just stop with everything I had going on and retreat. It was not something people understood and I didn’t speak about it. It took me a good amount of time to get over it. In a bid to get over it, I began channeling all the free time in working out. And 2013 was the year I went from FAT to NOT SO FAT. People thought I was actually working out and dieting and doing the goods and lost so much of my previous weight but that was not it. Although there was a part of me that wanted to lose weight, the loss of my book triggered my vigorous ‘shape shifting’. The one thing that I would forward to every single day was 4 o’clock. The time I’d be back from school and could sit down and type. I’d think about the scenes in school, while people were talking to me, while I was doing my business in the washrooms and while I was sleeping.
But after the day it all got deleted, and there was no way to restore it since the lappy shut down again, I gave up on the idea of writing. I detested writing after that. I hated reading novels. I hated everything that brought back memories of what I wanted to forget. But that was easier said than done. One day, I walked into our local library after probably forever and straight up at the entrance, involuntarily my sight shifted to the usual place where the book with the red apple in the hand stood displayed. It wasn’t like how they usually stacked it. The books were usually placed back to back but this time, the first part of the twilight series was standing tall and looking me straight in the eye. I didn’t know if that was how it was placed or if someone just dropped it by there without putting it back to where it belonged but there it was. A cold dead stare was all I gave as I found myself walking toward it. I asked my mom to let me borrow the book instead of her getting the book she wanted for the week. She was exasperated at the idea of me reading the same book again. But there was no stopping me. I was going to do it.
And I did. I remembered everything that led me to write the book. From the moment I turned the last page of the book I had already read about four times, the exact scenes, the lines, the places, the characters all came rushing back to me and I remembered what I had walled off for the longest time. And like usually, it drove me insane. I laughed at myself because I knew exactly what I was going to start doing the next day. I’m sure you guessed it too. (I never continued the same plot. I seeked a different one which I lost interest on after I started losing track of what I wanted to write. It wasn’t easy starting from the bottom. My writing skills were burnt exposed. I needed more motivation that just one book.)
So there. Instead of my usual posts which I restrict to about 600 words, I wanted to type out something that would take me full force back into writing. I don’t know if this post was for you or if it was for me, either way if you read it and felt what I felt, then we good! I wont be doing this much often because I have a new idea for a book I’ve just started. (Yep. The hollywood craze is back. I’ve begun from scratch again. Feels mighty heavenly.)
Until our time meets again,
I didn’t want to bore you. Like I said I haven’t figured out who this post was for. This little write up just gives me enough boost to continue writing the story I’ve already started. Thank you, by the way, if you read all the way to the end. Also, inspiration is from ‘ME BEFORE YOU by Jojo Moyes’. It’s worth your time, I promise. But for those who like movies better, that’s on it’s way too. :’)