WHY DIDN’T I FLIP THE PILLOW OVER?

I don’t want your pity. I don’t want your sympathy. (Or any other synonym relating to feeling sorry.)

 

I’m almost 13. (Surprise!) A teenager, yes.

I’ve cried myself to sleep too many times to sit and count

But does anyone know? No one except for that one person. Me.

I went to school, laughed and played and heard it all once again

‘Fatty, throw the ball.’ I laughed (painfully) as I watched them enjoy the joke.

I was good at the game. They needed me.

I supported the team. Placed a score on the board even.

‘The ground didn’t crack while you ran. Great work, fats.’ There it was, again.

I laughed, again. I didn’t want to be the wet blanket.

I pretended I had forgotten the pain and was home bound.

I shut the door to my territory and turned around.

The cleanest sheet with the greenest twines and pink flowers artfully printed on the spread.

I genuinely smiled at the color. It was happy.

But it was not what I had slept in last night.

The spread was too wrinkle free for a bed I had tossed in all night.

The pillows were too clean for the ones I had clutched as I tried to muffle the agony.

I knew, tonight, as soon as the lights went off, that first fat tear would trickle down.

And then I’d cry. I’d scream into my pillow. I’d scribble the pain into my diary in the dark.

I’d roll to my side, in a fetus position, clutching my stomach.

I hadn’t eaten enough. I was hungry. Three mouths of my dinner wasn’t enough.

I’d refused to eat more when my mom told me to. Can you say no to a teenager, though?

But, isn’t this how you grow thin? You starve yourself.

It’ll be worth it, someday.

That someday….. never came. But that someday……. happened.

That someday,

My stomach hurt. I cried in front of my parents as they helplessly watched me scream in pain.

I was sick. Not thin. Sick.

My fear trapped in their eyes and the tears that accompanied mine

When the pain just got worse and I thought I was melting

‘Our father in heaven…….. Hail mary………. Holy mary………’

It was a whisper but I was paying too much attention to have missed it.

My mother praying, lying down beside me, keeping in mind

I had asked her not to touch me or make conversation for sometime.

My dad still awake at 1 in the night, doing nothing but watching me

I surfaced, felt the pain, ran, threw up, cried, and came back.

The routine went on for 7 hours until…..

It stopped. My eyes rolled up and I fell asleep.

The pain was gone, the prayer was silent and the light switched off.

I smiled as I shifted a little in my sleep and heard my parents finally settle in for the night.

Little did I know, it was only the first of the many torturous nights

I was going to put them through.

Why didn’t I flip the pillow over and let them know before?

Why didn’t I flip the pillow over?

 

Until our time meets again,

A (The fat cat is totally me, FYI.)

Don’t let anyone tell you your worth. I promise you, God took his time with you. Cheers.

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Published by: YOUR AVERAGE PEAHEAD.

'Girl don't need no coffee or alcohol to get pumped..' That was typically basic of me but Hey, there. You've made it to the weird side of the internet. I wish I was as pleasing as I think I am. If you're into poorly crafted jokes and random almost zero sense making one liners that pop up between my feeble attempts at trying to be funny more often than not, you should stick around. If you know me in person, I'm not the same awkward and mildly anxious doof that I am in real life. I'd like to think I'm a talking dance party on here. Please let me live in my head. Thank you and I hope to see more of you.

29 Comments

29 thoughts on “WHY DIDN’T I FLIP THE PILLOW OVER?”

  1. This is truly heart touching.
    I was (still am sometimes) mocked for being short all the time and I understand how it feels to act like you don’t care when you clearly do but I say this from experience, those people do not matter. You are all that is truly yours in this entire universe so at the end of the day, you, not others, have to be happy with yourself. And judging from your blogposts, you’re a pretty cool girl and it is their loss that they can’t see through your exterior. Just keep being you.
    Much love. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! It took me long enough to start realizing it’ll never be enough. When I did lose weight they said I looked better when I had meat on me. People pleasing is definitely not easy.
      Also I was mocked for being short too. I kinda grew out of it (or maybe everyone else stopped growing.) I feel ya.
      Thank you so much for reading.
      Have a great day! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey,
    I’m sure a lot of people have tried to tell you this. And if not, I’m equally sorry.

    You are worth so much more than appearances. You are a child of God, His daughter. God thinks you’re beautiful. God thinks you’re worth it. God thought you were worth all of Jesus’s blood. What do human opinions matter? Of course, we think that they do. And human opinions do matter, of course, if they matter enough to hurt us. But you need to keep in mind the opinion that matters the most: God’s opinion. In comparison, all other opinions are irrelevant.

    Also, to leave you with a quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy”. Please don’t get into the habit of comparing yourself to others.
    Every time you hear someone making fun of you, listen to God’s reply: “You’re beautiful.”
    You are, and nothing can take that away from you.
    I will pray for you.
    Stay awesome!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! :’D
      I’ve grown not to bother much about it because everyone’s going to find a flaw no matter what. Might as well make it something everyone can see.
      But thank you so much for taking the time off to read and comment with such beautiful things to say. I really appreciate it.
      Have a great day. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This was heart wrenching, but beautifully written. I was on the other spectrum, and still am. My mom’s friend used to say hurtful things like, “you’re as skinny as a skeleton! Do you eat?!” Even now, over 20 years later they still do that.

    I’m sorry you had to endure all that pain. You are smart. You are beautiful the way you are, and I can tell you have a beautiful heart, and that’s what really matters ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. That really makes me happy.
      As for being skinny, my sister gets that a lot too. (Not so typical sisters.) And knowing how it feels, I knew it’d hurt her. So, I might low key know where you’re coming from. I hope you’re not letting that get to you. You’re beautiful as well. And no matter what anyone says, how bomb you are won’t vanish.
      Have a great day! xD

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Very touching. U r great. Life may not give u what u want but will surely give you what you need. Just be true to life.
    Thanks for liking my post.
    Do keep reading me.
    I am new on here so give me suggestions too.
    GOD SPEED

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! This is what I needed today actually.
      That’s alright. You have great content. I’ll be a constant.
      Wait god speed? Do you watch the fast and furious movies? I’m sorry if that was random.

      Like

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