AWOL! AWOL! AWOL! AWOL!
It’s been a hot minute since I last wrote and I’m not even going to excuse myself for we had already foreseen this happening, okay?! CAN YOU NOT BLAME ME?! But, are we still good, tho? Good.
I was stupid not to make a couple of drafts that I could edit while I was away. (Let’s be real, I’m not even that creative. I had to sell an eyelash to a friend for this idea. Just saying.) But, since I’m baaaack (Can I get a woo-hoo? No? Oh.) you get more of these wonderful disappearings happenings of moi. (HA!)
I’d planned on making a bomb-ass entry with this one but then I realized it was me and my writing we were dealing with so, um, this is as good as it’s going to get. (It’s not my fault I’m still half-witted. Uh, hallo?)
It’s been a while that I made a post on types of people. I was kind of getting off of my judging game so I had to get this post up before my very seriously diminished judgmental game was dead lining!
Leggo. (Oh yes, it’s back.)
- The #er.
Oh you know who you are! This person has to have a MINIMUM of 9484 hashtags on a single picture. Even if the person posts an all-white picture of absolutely nothing on it, here’s how some of the oh-so-cleverly thought of hashtags go,
#white #notblack #clean #dirtyroom #messeduplife #brightlight #frogfeet #snot #helpme #imlosingit #whyareyoustillreadingthis #killmenow #thewaterdepartment #whiterevolution #buffalomilk
See? So so clever. I get it you need attention and the only way you’re getting some extra action on your picture is by including hashtags but honestly, be a little creative, woman. (Or man. Unity, people.) Take tips from me. If I ever post a picture of a white nothing, the only thing I’ll use is #cockroachblood. Minimilastic and classy. Thank you very much.
- The #tbt-er.
Let’s take a minute to pray for this person who’s having a not so cool present. This person throwsback Thursdays like I spit watermelon seeds at passing people. (370 seeds per hour. Almost a record. I’m getting better at it, people. Just saying.) For all you know this person might be a mole rat but the pictures prove that he/she was THE BOMB 170 years back.
Also, another sub breed of this kind is the one that flashback Friday’s and #takemebacktuesdays? (IDK) a looooooot. So every single day is like a history class where children get to see how Hitler took a dump because every photo of this person is a throwback to a gazzilion decades back. (aka a very old old old old picture.)
- The ‘I’m currently having tea with the queen.’
If I lost you at that, let me explain. (You know you want me to. Or not. Sigh. That hurts my feelings.) This person documents the most extravagant things and has slightly jealousy-inducing posts. He/she has THE best life anyone would love to have. Travelling places, doing the dirty in clubs, buying fancy shit, meeting CHANNING TATUM (*emotionally breaks down, balls up and rocks back and forth picturing the picture or imagining the image* Does it sound as weird as it does to me?) You’d think they’d stop after riding in a carriage with Cinderalla, but NO! they just keep spewing amazing picture after picture and all I’m doing here is green-eyeing them and ignoring all calls to socialize.
- The philosopher.
A person engaged or learned in philosophy, especially as an academic discipline.
Either it’s a picture with a reeeeeallllyyyy biiiiiig asssssss caption that is 700 words long or it’s a quote as a picture. The entire feed of Socrates’ missing child is usually just quotes on quotes on quotes. The only type of real activity is the commenting which is also another quote so I’m not very sure about the ‘real’. It’s okay to see a quote every now and then to make yourself feel a little more accomplished than a heart shaped stone (They’re so cuuute.), but seeing that this person never posts anything real or a potential proof to being a human, scares the bejesus out of me. Are you a killer? Are you working for Barbie? Are you a pirate? We’ll never know because all you do is hide behind fancy words and borderline hypnotizing background pictures.
- The ‘I now pronounce you Mr and Mrs. Douchebag.’ (The married couple of social network.)
The only type of pictures you’ll see on this person’s account is of two crazy in love (Druuuuuunk in looove, we’ll be all night…. Sorry I had to put that in here.) people climbing over each other. Two pictures a week is slightly manageable but when the account becomes a joint force and there’s a post every single second of every single day of two people who’re in ‘love’, it gets a little too much for the human eye. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for showing people your man candy or your womancrush whatever but doing it every other day and posting cheesy captions, becomes scale 14 vomit flood.
There are a ton of other instagrammars that I missed but then I couldn’t connect on a level I should probably break it down to you since we’re already so far down, I’M EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE. (Oh, well. #noshame?)
Anyhoo, I hope you guys liked it, and didn’t think I was trashing any of you (but if you did, bruv loosen up a little.) I’ll be seeing you soon. (Hopefully. If I don’t run off again.)
Until our time meets again,
BONUS: How many of you take 1200 selfies and post one every single time you go on Instagram? Or how many of you only take part in photoshoots for thy pictures? Or how many of you post pictures from the Victorian era? Or how many of you even use Instagram?