You think being rejected is bad? Think about having no balls whatsoever to go give something a try before you automatically assume you’ll get let down. You get back to me after that, alright? I didn’t want to feel as miserable as I did. I didn’t want to feel like the weight of the entire world pressed down on me. Heck, I didn’t want to feel at all. I wished there was an actual hole in my chest that I had notoriously made people believe. Just to escape questions on why I was as stone faced or rock hearted or a ‘zero-capability-of-having-any-real-feeling’ sort of a person as I seemingly came across. There were times I wanted to go to someone and tell them, “Hey, I’m actually hurt. I cried last night. You hurt me with words you can never take back.” If the world was as simple as that, imagine the amount of problems we’d avoid. Or possibly increase. Another thought. Imagine if you could just go to a person you’ve been having the hots for, for over a couple years and tell him, “You’re my person.” It would suck to have to hear a No but in the heart of hearts, I knew it might’ve been a Yes, too.
“Also, it happened”, he types. He waits. The little three dots blink extra bright today as he’s getting ready to drop another message. “Not single anymore.”
Did I want to scream? Yes. Did I want to shake him? Definitely. Did I want to say “NO! NO! NO! I LOVE YOU!”? I did. But I couldn’t. No, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t do that to him. I wouldn’t put him in a situation where he had to choose between two friends. It took him a week to answer to his then friend but now girlfriend’s very subtle proposal.
“Wait…. For real?” I type back. If anything, he was good at getting back at me. This has to be one of his pathetic games, I prayed.
“Yeah. I guess. I mean, I asked her out and …….. Yeah”. You know the feeling where your chest melts into your feet? Yep, same. I wanted to ACTUALLY die. I wanted to burst into flames and burn in my own fire. I wanted to … I don’t even know anymore.
“Woooah. Congratulations, then? This is news!” I wanted to scream it at him. He’d pick up I was sure but here’s the thing about ‘puppy love’. When you’re in it, you want to make it as less awkward as it could be. He took his time telling me. Thinking back, he knew I’d judge him. He knew I’d either be mad or think he’s mad to have done this. Hadn’t we had a pact? We were going to die alone, together. That was MY relationship he broke.
I put my phone on vibrate and watch it dance and make annoying noises against the table as message after message keeps getting delivered to it. One out of the maybe 20 messages was his. His message, possibly explaining why he had gone and asked the girl he was not sure if he liked back or at least made me believe he was not the kind to fall in love. I wanted to read it and reply calmly, assuring that I was fine with him destroying me like that. I wanted to reply just to let him know I WAS FINE. NOT.
I watched again as my black little mobile kept up with its dance on my table. The sound was maddening. The sound of utter betrayal was driving me off the edge. It was one of those times where I just watched and thought of absolutely nothing. My head throbbed and my entire body pricked. It was anger. Anger in the most dangerous form. I wanted to hurt my bestfreind. I wanted to say something that’d really knock him out. I wanted to give him hell. I wanted to tell him………. “Choose me.” Would that hit him in the gut? It would.
A lonely tear crept and spilled over. I didn’t bother to brush it away. I locked the door to my room and let the stream of tears rush. I wished there was some way he’d feel the same pain I felt. In all my 17 years, I’d never cried for anyone to stay. I still don’t yearn for him. I only liked him. He liked me too. As a super amazing friend, that I was. Nothing more.
I could keep telling myself that but truth be told, this was nothing like I had imagined. I felt pain. Not because I had lost my bestfreind but because there could’ve been a chance if only I had it in me to tell him I wanted to be his person like he was mine.
It’s been a hot second and I’ve decided it was just wrong timing. You don’t necessarily meet your man in your best friend. You don’t have to fall in love with someone you’ve grown to like over a couple years now.
You wait. You wait till it has to happen. You wait till the grass starts growing on barren lands again. You wait for rock to become soil and create life. You wait for the black clouds to bring rain and wash away all things old. As simple as that: YOU WAIT. Someday, you’ll see this. Someday you’ll see everything hidden in everything I’ve said or written. Someday you’ll see I was wrong to tell you “I don’t care.” because if you didn’t mean SHIT, you wouldn’t make it here. And if my 11:11 struck a chord somewhere, you’ll turn around to me and laugh at how ‘18’ I was. Know this, I’ll roll my eyes at you and say it was all for the post. All for the post.
Until our time meets again,
I GUEST BLOGGED ON THE STRIX!!!!!! I wanted to wait just until the post came out and now it has. My first piece for their blog went live on 30th October. Patty if you’re reading this, THANK YOU, again.
Since WordPress changed not too long ago (Yep, I totally live under a rock.), the posts are all over the place so I figured I’d start providing links to my previous posts if you’re ever interested. (Also, I low key need to put in a little more time on here. A week’s break makes you forget how liberating a place to write can be.)
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW IN HELL DO I GET MY SITE ADDRESS CHANGED WITHOUT HAVING TO PAY ANYTHING? (You see I’m Indian. So, I need to get work done with as little expenditure as possible. Also, Dil Hai Hindustani. I love my country. One time for India, please. Also, I’m broke. Also, the government decided to ban all 500 and 1000 rs notes. Also, the presidential race is going to the dogs.)
This could be fictional. Or not. If you know it is you, keep a secret.
Come peep into my otherwise boring life while I’m not on here. Instagram: anyaabraham_
Nevertheless, I hope you have a great day! x)