“What went wrong?” I asked, plopping myself on the raised cemented ledge, looking down at the boys having a quick play of football before the sun went down.

I heard him heavily drop himself next to me and cross his legs, finding a comfortable position. “Relationships complicate stuff, I’ve realized”, he said, with another heavy sigh. He was dampening my mood, I was about to point out but decided against it. “It shouldn’t feel like work, should it?”

I shrugged and tried to concentrate on the sinking sun that colored the horizon ahead. “I wouldn’t know.”

“You wouldn’t”, he said, as a matter of fact-ly. We sat for what felt like a million years before he spoke again. “Why didn’t you?”

“What do you mean?”

He turned to face me. “Why aren’t you with some guy, with your hands in his, swinging and laughing at each other’s jokes?”

I suddenly chuckled, much to his AND my amusement. He wasn’t the best at putting words together, I reminded myself. “Never found one.”

“You got lucky then. That’s all a load of batshit”, he whispered and turned around to face the shadows of the trees fencing the little ground, dancing about and throwing darkness over the field.

“No, really. What went wrong with you and her?” I asked, trying to conceal as much curiosity as I could manage. I didn’t want him to think I found his little sad story something to mock and gossip about.

He shook his head and bent slightly down to support it on his hands. “We have happy times. I’m not saying we don’t but there’s times I just can’t seem to stop pissing her off. Everything I do is wrong. I can’t say something for a comeback without hurting her feelings, which was the opposite when we were just friends”, he said, turning to see if I was still listening. “Take you and me, for instance. Do you dwell too much on anything I say to you? It’s all in light air, sometimes. But when I try to play around with her, she gets so worked up and throws a tantrum about how insensitive I can be, when that’s the last thing I want to be.”

“We’re not the same people”, I said, my heart pounding hard against my chest. Is this what I always wanted to hear him say? That it never worked out between them?

He sighed one of his heavy, grief doused sighs and scratched his head, something he did when he was confused or didn’t know what to say. “I know that. But what I have with you, I kind of had with her before I went and screwed things up and asked her out. She was my very first real best friend. It just complicated so much between us. I don’t know when she snaps. I never see it coming and when it does hit, I’m not even given enough time to wrap my head around what happened.”

“Maybe you should take a step back and try and tone down your stupidity?” I giggled, smacking his arm.

He cracked a small smile and played with his fingers. “See, I don’t mind you saying that. But, if I, out of habit, ever said something like that to her, I’d be looking at two days of nothing from her. She’d just go blank and be unresponsive.”

“Then you’re the not the same person as she is. Maybe she doesn’t understand you can’t help being a screw up”. I giggled again and got a full laugh out of him. He fell silent again. I hated that he had compared the two of us when I was nothing like she was and she was nothing like I was. I never disliked  her but she was something I never wanted to talk about. Or at least not for too long. But today was not about me. I had to suck it up and be there for him. “Do you not like being in a relationship?”

It took him a whole minute to answer that. I knew I was secretly happy. I just had to hide the fact I liked how unsure he was. Now was not the time to tell him I hated the idea of him being in a relationship. “I like the idea of a relationship”, he said, putting it out in the air what I had only seconds before thought of. My heart sank immediately. “I like that I have someone I can call and talk to. I like that I can call someone mine.” My heart had reached the bottom of the hollow pit in my chest. “I want to be the one paying fancy restaurant bills, driving into the night with her and do all of the cliché-d things there is but I just don’t know if that’s what I really want right now or if it’s just something I want because I like the idea of being in a relationship. Do I make sense?”

“Nope”, I lied. “Not a bit. But sounds depressing to me.”

His head suddenly snapped up. “It’s not depressing”, he corrected, scowling at his fingers. “It’s just confusing. I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to point out everything bad. There have been good times and they were amazing. Do you ever just feel like you’ve had great things with a great person but never felt the euphoria of actually doing it?”

“It’s all alien to me, man. I don’t get stuff like this”, I lied, again. With each passing second I was convincing myself of the impossible and I was certain I was beginning to have air sucked painfully slowly out my lungs, if you went by my heaving chest.

“Yeah, me neither. Maybe that’s the problem”, he added, laughing again.

“Do you love her?” Before I could stop myself, I’d already done the damage.

His head dropped again, hiding his face from mine. “I know I like her.”

“Then you should try and work it out. Could lead to something really great, you know”, I said. My heart suddenly felt like an iron laden truck. I was telling him to do the very thing I didn’t want him to.

“Yeah! This is pointless. I probably just needed a second to vent”, he said, cheering up again. “You’re surprisingly good at this.”

“I didn’t even do anything”, I laughed. My body knew laughing was the last thing I wanted to do right now.

He leaned in to punch my arm, like I had. “Someday you’ll fall so hard in love. No, don’t even begin with your stupid stone heart theory camel shit. We all know there’s someone you’re going to be mushy for.”

“Yeah. Someday”, I whispered, smiling. I could have kicked myself that very instant.

“I know”, he replied. “There has to be someone you’re putting up an act for. Such a pathetic attempt but I’ll give you props for at least trying.”

“Love’s complicated, huh?” I asked, shaking my head at the stupid word.

“There’s so much they don’t tell you. For starter’s how it’ll be the death of you. That’d be a good head’s up”, he laughed, throwing his head back, clearly the only person to find this hilarious.

Watching my favorite human laugh got my head all electric crazy. I could only smile at his lit up face realizing, it was never her. It was the idea of her seeing him be this heartwrenchingly beautiful whenever she wanted that revolted me.

‘And you thought you had it rough’, I told him under my breath only so I could hear myself.

I bit my lip, watching another sunset, knowing another day had passed and I couldn’t tell him I knew exactly what he meant when he said what he said. Instead, I’d pushed this little sucker into her court, deliberately. Ways to kill your heart 101.

Loving can hurt, huh?

DON’T GET ANY CRAZY IDEAS! You see the ‘fiction’ on top? Good. Let’s keep that at that.

Until our time meets again,






Hi, hey! I’m a little behind on these but hey, better late than never, right? Or something like that. Anyway, my chicka Sheetal hooked me up with a tag and an award, (I swear she’s trying to spoil me or something. Please don’t stop. These are so fun. Please ignore my shameless greed.) one of which I’ve already done before. (Link’s below.) I don’t plan on making a part 2 to the ONE LOVELY BLOG AWARD, not because I don’t appreciate it enough (YOU KNOW I DO!) but because the first time I had to come up with facts about myself, I cried for seven hours straight because it took me HALF MY LIFE to find the stuff I did find. (It’s a proper tragedy, I know.)

However, I still accept the Blue Sky Tag! Thanks, Sheetal, for this. If in the odd case you don’t know her, I take it you haven’t read my previous tag (Can we just appreciate my very subtle not so subtle self-promo, thank you?) I’ll leave her link down below as well for you guys to check her out. It’s all round love for her blog, since she tries everything. Between the ‘Pros and Cons of Dating a Candid Person’ (Has to be one of my favorites) to four line fictions,… She’s the bomb.


Give 11 questions

Tag 11 people

Answer the 11 questions given to you


  • Name one trait in you that you want to give up and why?

Anxiety. For a person that has minor panic attacks at the very sound of meeting people, I’d really like to be over that and start being more present rather than try and find ways to get out of stuff.

  • What is your wildest fantasy?

To believe there’s someone for me? I MEAN COME ON! Eighteen years should be enough time to convince someone I’m worth every penny they spend on buying me food. How hard is that?

  • Which place according to you will satisfy your craving for adventure?

Any place that smells of adventure. I’ve heard that’s a real thing.

  • What is your fashion statement?

Baggy shirts and shorts are THE SHIT! They give me so much room to comfortably grow fatter in.

  • If you are stranded on an island with a stranger how would you introduce yourself without saying your name?

“You can call me queen.”

  • What is your signature statement/dialogue?

I say ‘Fancy’, ‘Tragic’, ‘Tragedy’ and ‘travesty’ a lot more than I should and at all the wrong times. I also learned a little bit of slang in Spanish which has been my go-to line whenever I need to get out of a conversation. Audiences here are sensitive so I’ll just spare you the……….’Hasta la vista, p***’ I said it. Whoops.

  • One thing you fear the most.

Time and age. The pair is the deadliest thing ever! This must explain why I’m freaking out about my very last year being a teenager.

(Cue panic attack, again.)

  • How will you combat your weaknesses?

With a fork.

  • Who is your favorite family member and why?

My nani (granny) I’m going to be ripped into pieces for this but who gives me money on Easter, Christmas, my birthday and for every other festival we don’t celebrate? NOT YOU, DADDY! SHE DOES!

  • If you are given a chance to make a difference in someone’s life, how would you do it?

I’d become their friend. I’m a walking ray of sunshine and having me would do them some good, I feel. (On a side note, I’d do anything I can in my power to make a difference. I just don’t know how.)

  • What was the first thought that crossed your mind while you read these questions?

Fancy. *winks*

My set of questions for thee:

  1. What’s your favorite cookie?
  2. Can you do a headstand? (If yes, Woooooooah!)
  3. How good are you at cooking? Do you like it?
  4. What’s one book you could read every year and never get tired of?
  5. Who’s the one person you’d call at 4 am, telling them you need a burger asap?
  6. What made you start blogging?
  7. Have you achieved any of the goals your younger self set?
  8. What’s the first place that pops in your head if I said I’d fund your trip to wherever that is? And why?
  9. On a scale of one to ten, how temperamental are you? If you think it’s bad, and want to simmer down, how do you plan on doing that?
  10. What’s something you’d like to tell someone but can’t right now?
  11. Give me one good word to describe yourself. (Make it reaaaaally good.)

My nominations:












Until our time meets again,







How massive of a turn did the almost diminishing (Mostly completely gone.) Twilight fan girl in me just take? It’s been a hot second since I remember losing my shit over the books. The little unusual, completely impossible in actual times romance that built between a vampire and a human completely pushed me off the edge. Since I live in my head mostly (LITERALLY ALL THE TIME.) fangirling over the one other thing besides Harry Potter that seemed so much saner than shifting stairs and talking portraits and grand dining was Twilight. Now that I’m over that phase (Something I take immense pride in because I’ve realized that although the books were in a way fascinating, the movies were a load of camel shit. Don’t fight me on this.) I can begin brooding over something fictional again, to destroy any social life I might have. 

Gotta quickly address the elephant in the room because I’ve notoriously kept up a rapport of pulling things waaaaaay more than is necessary. I never get to the point and this is me diving head first in. I’ve switched over. I’m now convinced Harry Potter was the one thing that I missed out on. It’s a tragedy but it’s never too late to fall in love with books. 

Last week, very presumptuous of me, I took a major swipe at Hermione thinking it was okay because my ‘loyalties don’t lie’ with the series. (A minor one. I like to dramatise.) And a week from then, I’ve found everything I’ve been looking for in the same exact fandom that I previously trashed. 

I read a post when Alan Rickman died about how his character turned out to be everything everyone believed he was not. Ever since then, the dark and sinister cuckoo looking Master of Potions that had stuck somewhere in my head since the first time I saw him and decided this series wasn’t my cup of tea, has turned over to someone I wish had never died. And that’s a lot coming from a person who never liked, let me rephrase that, DETESTED the super confusing storyline. 

I might’ve warmed up to the idea of picking up the first book way back when I read that but never got to the actual task of finding the book. If it presented itself in front of me, I’d maybe give it a look, I thought slyly putting it off because who in their right mind would even expect a book to present itself? (Me, duh!) Anyway, fast forward from then to a few days back when Chamber Of Secrets played on TV. I could’ve watched a billion other things on TV like I usually do when having lunch because if I have nothing to concentrate on while chewing food, it never feels like a meal. (I’m not even making this up.) I decided nothing was worth watching and picked the first tolerable thing I could find. (At this point I needed to start lunch. It was a good lunch and I hated not having anything to watch to enjoy it with. But you gotta go what you gotta do.) It’s not an unusual thing but its certainly not a super common thing for me to sit with my hand covered with food that was drying around my fingers and my empty plate balanced between my thighs. I sat for what felt like half of the movie maybe before I decided I was no longer all that interested in the movie. This is the point where I remember watching the same movie years ago with my sister who is probably the biggest HP fanatic out of the rest of us. I remember the monster in the chamber and the voice and whispering and decided against the idea of sitting and watching it again. 

Fast forward to Sunday (Yesterday). While my mom oiled my hair, again I needed something to concentrate on instead of my Mumma’s weekly head massage (Which usually gives me a teeny headache right after, defeating the purpose of a massage but heck, it feels good during anyways.) 

I watched the whole entire movie of Deathly Hallows part two. In one sitting without missing a whole lot which usually never happens because I walk off midway to get something and forget I was watching anything. But, I did the impossible and all for a movie based off the books I never liked. 

This is a big thing, for anyone that doesn’t get the unnecessary hype about my recent obsession. Harry Potter and Anya never go together. Or so I thought until last week. I was dragged deeper into this after reading the first book which isnt at all like I pictured it. What I thought might be confusing writing (I don’t know how I came up with that when ten year olds have been reading this.) was far from incomprehendible and so much more lighter than the movies were. (You thought I’d go a whole post without criticizing something? Pity.) 

Although the movies aren’t as grand as the books were, there’s only so much you can do to try and match the crazy and the extremely detailed imagination Rowling had when she wrote it. 

I got through a whole book in eight hours, a record I’m very proud of because under the given circumstances (Those being that I can’t be thinking of finishing an entire novel in one day. What is self control?) I managed to finish My First Ever Harry Potter book. 

I’ve hopped on the Nimbus 2000 and can’t wait to fall deeper in love with something I never wanted to like. 

Also, something Dumbledore said might’ve had to do with my opening up to the idea. This lit a full haystack on fire somewhere in my mind and since stringing words together for a post is something we do on here, I figured you’d like it too, maybe? 

Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.

I mean, COME ON! Who even comes up with stuff like that? (Rowling, duh!) This was probably my undoing. A certain way into the second book, I can’t wait to know everything there is to be known. 

PS: Yes, I’m so so late with reading these books but at least I started? Cut me some slack for starting somewhere, however long it took me. 

Pps: I have my birthday in exactly two months. I’ll be expecting an owl with my whole Harry Potter collectors edition books. Thenks. (Don’t say I never asked what I wanted.) 

Ppps: I printed out my very own Hogwarts letter, complete with a seal. Even though I’m just a day into this, I’m not planning on putting off the very thing everyone’s ever wanted. 

Until our time meets again,





It’s tag season y’all. (Breaks into a dance because this is so much fun.)

Quick shout out to Sheetal from THE GLITTERS OF LIFE for tagging me. If you don’t follow her, erm, why? I haven’t been her oldest follower, but the few days that I have been, I’m convinced I hit jackpot. Pop on over to her site to read her tag. (Link’s below.) Also, while you’re at it, show her some love. xD



  • Name three things you’re thankful for.
  • Tag fellow bloggers to carry this forward.
  • Create a logo of your own for the tag.


Things I’m thankful for:

  • Jesus: Yep, I said it. I’m not the most spiritual person that’s ever lived but I’m spiritual enough to believe he’s got my back. Also, SURPRISE!! I’m Christian. I’m far from ashamed to tell anyone that I’m not atheist like the trend is these days. My ass has been on the line so many times before and believing he has it under control has me going forward. So there,I’m thankful for God. Super thankful.
  • Familia: Although my parents belong to the stone age, they are some of the fanciest people I know. Scratch that. They are the fanciest people I know with the classiest taste in books. (Extra points for that.) My sister, (A right Royal pain in the ass.) is far from human and more of a hobbit of sorts but she foots my pizza bills and fuels my burger needs. You can’t not be thankful for humans like so. My Nani (Granny) is just an all round boss at everything she does.

Also fitting into familia, are the bunch of gorillas I’ve been friends with. Besides the fact that they love me, they’re more than okay with turning my space upside down in less than two blinks of an eye. Such comfort comes from family and family only.

  • Health: See, I don’t have the healthiest body and I have my flab to back me up on this but I can run a super good distance before I fall flat on my front. And if that’s not healthy, your idea of healthy is tainted, sorry. I can walk to get what I want and boy am I thankful for that. I can see people eating my food. (Thank you, Jesus.) I can hear my father’s hopeless bathroom concerts. Amongst other important things, I’m specially thankful for these. It’s the idea of being able to go about by myself that I’m really grateful for.


Bending rules has been key since day one. Here’s few pacific mentions that need to be made.

  1. I’m thankful for pizza and burgers. (Whoever made these, bless you and your family.)
  2. I’m thankful for music.
  3. I’m thankful for books. (And Enid Blyton for the bombest snack ideas.)
  4. I’m thankful for my very applaudable taste in drinks. (I take immense pride in this.)
  5. I’m thankful for YOU! Not having a place to pour the chaos in my head would’ve killed me sooner or later. So thank you for pushing Your Average Peahead all this way and getting her past 200 followers!!!! WE ACTUALLY DID IT! I hit 200 two days ago and OH MY GOD! Of course it wasn’t yesterday that I hit 100 so it’s been a long ride to get here. Thank you so much to everyone that hit that follow button. (My mind is blown that it has been hit 200 times.) If I could hand out pizzas, you know I would but that’s something I can’t pull off. (Such a travesty.) I thought about the lactose intolerant people and so you’d get cheeseless huuge juicy burgers. (Cheeseless pizzas are not a thing. Sorry.) If you’re watching your weight, I have salad for you. Nevertheless, thanks for joining in on the party.


I tag the following few people to do this if you’d like. If you haven’t been tagged, you’re still part of the family and can go ahead and do this!

Expression of a Serenity Lover

Purple Room Healing

Rake Poetry

Voice of a Thoughtful Mind

Blend of Sentiments

Glimpses of my Life

The Caged Bird Sings

Sparky Jen

I tried thinking of a logo for the tag and I ended up with something a one month old could do. I’m not even sorry because this is a kid that took up music instead of arts so give me props for atleast trying.

Until our time meets again,





It’s being all ears to everything 

That really destroys your soul 

Inch by inch, day by day

The fear of knowing everything 

The fear of not being able to tell them

She’s growing weaker, every day

She’s starting to think of ways 

Ways to end the tears that threaten to spill

The helplessness pooling in her eyes 

And through all the signs that are giving her away 

She’s trying double to stop it from showing 

Her smile is beautifully broken 

Although, its not the shards of pain you see 

Give her her happiness that she spent on resolving fights

Give her her childhood that she spent crouched in a corner

Give her her youth that she spent hating herself 

Give her herself that she gave up to be and do what they told her to

Look past my smile, her eyes plead

Look at the tear stained cheeks beneath the powder I’ve used, her skin screams

I’m not strong enough to tell you but I really need to let it out, her mind yells

Tell me everything that’s troubling you, I’ll help, her demeanor soothes

Don’t sweep your eyes over the shaking palms at her sides, its growing worse

Don’t huff at the darkening circles around her dimming eyes, she wakes up at every sound and waits for nothing 

Don’t shut your ear to the sniffling coming every night from the dark in her room, she’s muffling the agony into her pillow

Don’t fail to notice how strong and high her wall is built around her, terribly thick and beautifully carved, for the insides of her mind, it’s noiselessly killing her every passing second.

For the girl that I’ve grown watching and for the pain that’s slowly starting to seem far too cruel. You’re stronger than you think you are. You can allow yourself to be weak sometimes. Be the victim to life, sometimes. You’re okay. You’ll be okay. A day isn’t 24 hours of night, darling. A day isn’t 24 hours of night. 

Two posts in less than a day? It happened. I didn’t really think this matched the frequency and vibe (Let’s just pretend it’s an actual thing. Those are some big ass words.) I’ve been having over the past few weeks but I decided to put this up anyway because this girl means the world to me. I wanted to stop the ‘very hard to understand what you’re saying’ sort of posts but this is a blog I promised to let loose on and post myself and what made my everyday. She isn’t just another draft.

Until our time meets again,







Not a lot of people say this to you (Why?) but I’m going to give you a head’s up. DO NOT READ REVIEWS AND EXPECT YOURSELF TO HAVE SIMILAR OPINIONS. (They’re nasty people.) Beauty and the Beast has without a doubt been my single most favorite Disney stories of all time. (I realize every movie of Disney’s is my single most favorite. Just go with it.) When I heard they were filming a remake of the movie, I nearly almost lost my shit. (All of it.)

So I dug deeper and almost immediately regretted it. The first bummer was that it was not animated. (Y u do this?) Second being that Emma Watson (Yes, ‘The Harry Potter’ girl. Come at me, Hari Puttar die hards. What’s good?) was to play Belle. It felt like living no longer made much sense because although she KILLED her role as Hermoine (I think. Again, COME AT ME!), I never pictured her playing Belle. Watching the trailer kind of put hope back into me. (Or it could be the background score that really got me excited tbh.)

The reviews threw me off again. Emma has always been a staunch feminist and all power to you, girl but what I knew was coming, actually came. Her role in the movie strangely reflected what she’s like in real life. (I almost hear the Feminists coming. I mean no harm. You go, girl.) But, here’s the thing. For a person that LOVED the original animated movie, being remade into the live kind, kind of threw ice cold water on all the feels. But, I still hoped Belle would be Belle, maybe an extra charm that Watson could no doubt bring to the screen. But, here’s what really happened. I don’t remember Belle being as …….. Not so Belle. The beginning of the movie felt like a proper musical. I did pretend to doze off behind my 3-D glasses (Which FYI decided to play slip and slide on my nose. Annoying piece of nonsense.) Gaston had what felt like a 140 minute song. While all of the characters in the movie stayed in the lane of the characters that previously played in the animated film, (I feel like i can’t say this enough) Emma’s Belle reminded me of Emma. I like my characters to be themselves rather than the actors, thank you very much.

Her way of talking did somehow sound ‘I don’t give two dimes about what anyone thinks’ which is quite the opposite of the Belle I remember and grew loving. (NO I’m not confused with Cinderella and Belle.) And the reviews told me exactly that. The movie was far too hyped for the performance that came through. So last night, in my head, I was prepared to bash it proper and I was bent on doing just that before the second half of the movie, which disappointingly was only filled with a gazillion songs and very very very unnecessary, hardly laughable quick wit by Lefou (Gaston’s little friend/puppety human.) The second half however, ooooooooooooh. Fancy fancy fancy. I don’t know if it was the second coffee that got me all excited or if it was the fact that they actually toned down Emma’s Emma in Belle and really stuck to the scenes of the original movie with very minor tweaks, but it really got to me. If I could wave my hands back and forth and beat my chest and run around the theatre crying tears of happiness and yelling “YASSSSS GEDDIT!”, I would’ve done it. Everything about the finale was puurrrfect. More drama and faaar less music. (See, I have a very real problem with musicals.)

I LOVED Gaston’s character. Boy oh boy did Luke Evans embody Gaston; unbearably annoying. JUSTICE WAS SERVED! With cream and strawberries on top.

My judgment (Which OBVIOUSLY matters) could be clouded by everything I read but Belle was definitely Emma. At least in the initial bits (K.I.L.L.E.D my vibe.) but props to her for gracing through the second half. (I’m going to give her that.)

Lumiere (The talking candle) was always a favorite and still remains my favorite after the movie. Chip had such little to do with anything, which is a proper tragedy.

They show a good, fair deal of the enchantress who casted the spell on the prince to begin with. The little eye contact with the camera just before she finds Belle crying over The Beast freaked the crap out of me because although she was in a few other scenes I never knew what she had to do with anything. But it’s always the silent roles that drive daggers into your heart. (Watch Agathe’s character in the movie carefully. You heard it from me first. You’re welcome.)

Was it worth two hours off of my weekend? The second bit definitely was. To wash the disappointment of the things that well, disappointed me (Duh!) I got some CHINESE! Also to celebrate another remake, I got more CHINESE! (We need excuses, we do.) With two cold coffees (Something I’ve never pulled off because Coffee was never a thing for me.) and a terrible sugar and caffeine high, I quite enjoyed the movie. (Ignoring the minor complaining.)

SPEAKING OF COMPLAINTS! I’m hoping the person that fitted those god awful new ‘innovative’ shitty ass seats in the theatre has a second to read this. FIRST OF ALL, WHAT ARE THOSE?! I had to clench all my muscles from the waist downwards to keep myself from sliding behind and having my whole entire butt hanging out the other side. Whoever thought that a lowkey glute workout while watching a goddamn movie was a funny idea, needs to be hit in the throat. (This could’ve contributed to half my frustration with little things in the movie. Just FYI.)

Until our time meets again,





It’s no secret that I Google myself more often than is necessary. I should be ashamed at how easily I’m persuaded about someone somewhere writing something about me. See, in my head that sounded like a plausible explanation but now that I’ve read it out, I could be a little less vocal. (Duely not noted.)

So while I was bouncing around for motivation (Trying to steal ideas for this week) I remembered I hadn’t googled myself in a while. (Because something’s obviously going to change. Pfft) I’ve never gone past the first page because the disappointment of finding nothing of actual interest always held on to my collar threatening to tighten around me if I didn’t stop. But today, today was different. I actually hit ‘Next page’. 


It’s not even that big a deal but since drama is trés dramatic and I’ve got a reputation to live up to, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING! Anyhoo, here’s the thing I found. 


If you read that, you’re a darlin’, that you are. But if your lazy ass didn’t want to check it out, I feel ya. Truth be told, I knew I had a blog or two or seven hundred around the internet under different names. I’ve never made an effort to remember the passwords because which fifteen year old in her right mind would do such a thing? Passwords are for the weak. This little site that my sister made for me, Jesus knows why, still bounces about the internet under my name. Is your mind blown? Mine is. (There’s no reason why yours should be, come to think of it.)

Seeing that this was four years ago and written ON MY BIRTHDAY, had my soul dramatically swoon with a hand on her head. Because, the language is firstly border line obnoxious. (Yet, that is exactly how I continue to speak. Sigh.) Secondly, I was very evidently trying to please my sister. Thirdly, I’ve realized I’ve always struggled with coming up with ideas to write which explains why my first post was a thickly veiled thank you to her for pushing me into this. (Could I kiss more ass? Methinksnot.) Fourthly, I’m low key proud of my fifteen year old self for trying out typing as opposed to writing things down on random pages. 

Lastly, I realized I’ve never written myself a letter. I’ve written a couple of people a few letters but to me, NO. It’s just about time I jump on the bandwagon and take it for a spin. (A really bumpy and cringe-y spin.)

What I’d like to tell my fifteen year old self. 

Little shit, you thought writing a book was easy. You thought! I’m not entirely sorry you realized it’s a feat your lazy ass couldn’t achieve. But, on the contrary, boy am I glad you tried the one thing you were told not to do. You’d be happy to know you did get yourself into the college you wanted. You didn’t have to use your non existential plan B. Your little group of friends simmered down to just two. They’re cool and the other two aren’t as much. You might’ve lost a bit of your streak somewhere in between for being too hawty about scoring big time. You’ve learned from that, I’ve got your back now. (Don’t jinx.) You didn’t really end up with X. But you have terrible thoughts. About his girlfriend. Yup, I want to pull her hair out and claw her eyes out and ….. You know, do the same exact thing you’d do. You might’ve sobered down a little, not too much. Your anxiety has only sky rocketed. Not that I’ve made any conscious effort to stop that. You run a blog now and successfully kept it going for a year, nothing like your previous zero effort projects. (Don’t jinx.) You still speak fluent bullshit. Also, you learnt a little bit of French. You can say yes and no, that’s about that. (Between you and me, your French slang is on point.) You haven’t stopped dancing. You’re going at it and probably even gotten better at actually learning something from the four million videos you see every day. Your humour has only gotten dirtier and hardly makes much sense but you still find yourself laughing at everything you say. You picked some really classy friends from college that still tolerate your annoying presence from time to time. (Don’t jinx.)

Now this, this is really for you. You’ve stopped the body hating on a major level. Yes, I’ve tried taking care of you. We’re not there yet but I’m trying to get you there. Your cravings aren’t as bad as they were. Your anxiety killed your appetite for a bit but I guess it’s back because you wolf down six biscuits like it’s grapes. Im trying really hard not to sound cheesy but there’s plenty of fish in the sea. They’re not around you right now but you’ll reel them in. Your late night crying for no real reason has, you’ll be pleased to hear, relatively reduced. You don’t starve yourself anymore and it’s been a hot minute since you had awful stomach aches because of skipping your damn meals. (You must’ve been really stupid, now that I realize. ) You haven’t let anyone forget you. Not the important people, at least. You’re always up in their face, making it rather difficult. (Don’t jinx.)

You’ve come a fairly okayish way, to say the least. You survived then and writing this down makes me think I’ll survive now. (Don’t jinx.) You’ve gone and done your bit and I haven’t thanked you for getting me where I am (Partly because it’s really weird since we’re the same person). Maybe not wholly thankful but to you in your year, I’m especially thankful. 

You’ve been human. More or less. (Please don’t jinx.)

Thanking you, (No, really)

Yours forever truly,

Anya Abraham
I didn’t realize it’d be as liberating and exhilarating and croissant (I’m embracing the France in me.)  as this was. If you haven’t tried to do one of these, God alone knows why, you probably should. Write to whichever part of your life you want. If you’re like me and dwell a lot in the past, this is exactly what you need. Just what you need. 

Until our time meets again,